Time Machine Trouble Shooting Tips

TIME MACHINE TROUBLE SHOOTING TIPS

So your Time Machine has malfunctioned. Afer finally finding the police box you’d always wanted you’ve had a blast: fistbumped Julius Caesar; rode on a T-Rex and punched your own clone in the face. But somewhere along the line things started to go wrong. You’re Time Machine has malfunctioned and we’re all in danger. So what’s happened?

YOU ACCIDENTALLY SLEPT WITH YOUR OWN MUM AND NOW YOU DON’T EXIST:

What the fuck dude? That’s rule number one of time travel: all family members are strictly off limits with no exceptions. Don’t tell me your mum was hot back in the day; where did you think you got your good-looks from? Cos it sure as hell wasn’t your balding dad. Anyway, we can’t waste time trouble shooting this as the lords of the space-time continuum have decreed that you were never born. Shame.

YOU KILLED BABY HITLER AND NOW STALIN HAS TAKEN OVER THE WORLD

Think you can beat the long march of history mate? Not a chance. Without another genocidal poorly-endowed warlord on his western shoulder Stalin had a free ride to develop nuclear weapons before the States and take over the entire fucking world. All of it. Even here. I am barely safe to write this paragraph at this stage, comrade. All you can do now is kill baby Stalin. And baby Kaiser Wilhelm. All of them. There will be blood on your hands friend, but it will be worth it.

YOUR CLONE IS ACTUALLY STRONGER THAN YOU AND BROKE YOUR NOSE

Mate I am starting to suspect now that you are a bit of a Time Machine Twat. What had your clone ever done to you? Here he was, minding his own business waiting for his organs to be harvested for the greater good of humanity when you suddenly turn up out of absolute fucking nowhere and punch him right in the face. Well jokes on you mate cos your clone has avoided all of the childhood bullying you received and became really bloody hench. Serves you right. Apply bandages to stem the bleeding and keep pressure on the wound. Next!

YOU ARE THE GREEK HERO PARIS AND ELOPED WITH HELEN OF TROY CAUSING A MASSIVE WAR

Wait, you’re Paris? You got with Helen of Troy, the face that launched a thousand ships? Kudos! Absolutely no complaints here buddy, keep doing what you’re doing. Just watch out for that Achilles bloke, bit of a good swordsman I've heard.

BUT HELEN IS NOT AS HOT AS YOU THOUGHT SHE WOULD BE AND YOU REGRET IT

I am truly gutted but this one’s on you bud. You should have done your research and discovered that with regards to beauty the Greeks were fucking weeeird. You know the reason their statues have such tiny dicks is they thought young boys were the ultimate sex symbol? Did you know that? Fail to prepare, prepare to fail my friend. Also, maybe Helen of Troy is just a really nice person actually and you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, you know?
Anyway you’re gonna have to sort out this shitshow of a war you find yourself in. I have heard the Trojans are huge fans of suspiciously hollow equine gifts…

YOU ARE STUCK IN THE PRESENT DAY AND IT SUCKS

This is the fate that befalls us all. The daily struggle of mundane office jobs and working for the Man whilst thousands die each day in terrorist attacks. Britain leaves the European Union and Donald has nuclear codes. Bummer. There are some positives to be had, for example the significantly diminished number of T-Rexs compared to previous years, these gains are largely cancelled out by the constant presence of Ed Sheeran. If this is all too much I can only give the same advice I give everyone: suicide or lots and lots of drugs.

Hope this helped, and leave a comment with any of your frolics with the space-time continuum. Til next time friends, where I'll be dispensing advice on how to pretend to be a knight and win a jousting contest!