The Worst Excuse For Indecent Exposure Ever

Your honour, I can completely understand, and even sympathise with the reasons you have charged me for indecent exposure. Under any normal circumstances exposing my penis in a public place and in front of a family of terrified Japanese tourists would have been completely unacceptable. I concede this. However, I feel I can bring forward a piece of personal testimony which will blow this case right open. Your honour, I did it for Harambe.  

All for you, my sweet Prince.

That’s right, ever since the tragic event at the Cincinatti Zoo, a mere three thousand nine hundred and ninety miles away from this very courtroom in Maidstone, I have devoted my life towards animal conservation causes. I am now a diligent member of the “Harambe Memes” Facebook group, which regularly posts high quality content in support of the plight of the Western Lowland Gorilla, as well as starting my very own “The Gun That Shot Harambe” twitter account which as yet has no followers. 

Coming to a DM near you

All of these show a dedication to my cause and can be considered mitigating circumstances as to why I decided in the heat of the moment to enact the famous call to action of “Dicks Out For Harambe.” My performance, akin to a peacock protruding its tailfeathers, will be remembered the world over and will surely inspire more people into displaying their members in memorium of that brave, lonely primate and his brethren.

This is not the first time my charitable actions have caused a stir. How they laughed at me when I performed the ice bucket challenge by pouring water over a homeless war veteran! How they chuckled when I did 20 press-ups on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier! Are they laughing now? Or do they look at me as a hero of the 21^st century, the man who is willing to expose all in the name of truth and justice?

How many of your neighbours garden gnomes have you given to Oxfam today huh?

 Before I let you answer that question, ladies and gentleman of the jury, I would like to present you with a quote:

“We ain’t nothing but mammals, so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.” 

Thank you for your time.

We Watched SUICIDE SQUAD During a Power Cut and it Wasn’t That Bad, Actually

Have you heard bad reviews about “Suicide Squad,” the new superhero flick starring Jared Leto and Will Smith? Have you heard people trash it for being light on plot and heavy on unnecessary cameos designed to eek as much money as possible out of prepubescent kids? Don’t listen to the haters! All you need to do is view it from a different angle.

When I decided to watch Suicide Squad I thought it needed a change of perspective. Maybe I needed to focus on the Brechtian Alienation effect of Will Smith’s character, or the powerful emotions forcing Cara Delevigne to become some kind of witch and decide to end the world for no discernible reason. I was determined to shine a more positive light on the Suicide Squad. 

My plans of course were completely changed the moment the power went out.

It was at this point that Suicide Squad came completely into its own. 

What was before seen as a throwaway summer blockbuster made by committee rather than with any soul was now a slow-burning thriller with minimal action and the plot told mostly through a terrible fear of rats and the occasional flash of lightning. Genius. 

Credit has to go to Zack Snyder for ignoring his critics and sticking to a vision of existential dread and despair about being stuck alone in a house in the pouring rain with no way of contacting one’s parents to tell them you love them and confess about the stolen chocolate bar.

Pictured: artistic vision

The highlight of the piece for me was definitely the character development that Jared Leto’s Joker portrayed. What started out as merely an irritating voice in my head ended up turning into a full blown hallucination when water and food supplies went low. Truly chilling stuff.

Seven hours in and his hair turned into snakes

Obviously the film was by no means perfect and I’m not trying to say it was. There was definitely issues with pacing and the runtime was overly long. The main criticism I have was obviously the ending, with the twist of me waking up in a hospital bed with an IV drip-on and suspicions of tetanus being poorly signposted and felt to me to be rather cheap. However these are minor criticisms and I have to give the film a 7/10 and EDF Energy a rather predictable 0.

Was this in the film? Almost definitely. 90% certain. Highly likely.

What did you guys think? Have you tried looking at Suicide Squad from a different perspective in any way? Heard the soundtrack whilst hiding from bailiffs? Admired the visual effects from the comfort of a dentist’s chair before having your wisdom teeth out? How did this effect your experience? Let me know in the comments section below, and remember to stay away from rats!

Time Machine Trouble Shooting Tips

TIME MACHINE TROUBLE SHOOTING TIPS

So your Time Machine has malfunctioned. Afer finally finding the police box you’d always wanted you’ve had a blast: fistbumped Julius Caesar; rode on a T-Rex and punched your own clone in the face. But somewhere along the line things started to go wrong. You’re Time Machine has malfunctioned and we’re all in danger. So what’s happened?

YOU ACCIDENTALLY SLEPT WITH YOUR OWN MUM AND NOW YOU DON’T EXIST:

What the fuck dude? That’s rule number one of time travel: all family members are strictly off limits with no exceptions. Don’t tell me your mum was hot back in the day; where did you think you got your good-looks from? Cos it sure as hell wasn’t your balding dad. Anyway, we can’t waste time trouble shooting this as the lords of the space-time continuum have decreed that you were never born. Shame.

YOU KILLED BABY HITLER AND NOW STALIN HAS TAKEN OVER THE WORLD

Think you can beat the long march of history mate? Not a chance. Without another genocidal poorly-endowed warlord on his western shoulder Stalin had a free ride to develop nuclear weapons before the States and take over the entire fucking world. All of it. Even here. I am barely safe to write this paragraph at this stage, comrade. All you can do now is kill baby Stalin. And baby Kaiser Wilhelm. All of them. There will be blood on your hands friend, but it will be worth it.

YOUR CLONE IS ACTUALLY STRONGER THAN YOU AND BROKE YOUR NOSE

Mate I am starting to suspect now that you are a bit of a Time Machine Twat. What had your clone ever done to you? Here he was, minding his own business waiting for his organs to be harvested for the greater good of humanity when you suddenly turn up out of absolute fucking nowhere and punch him right in the face. Well jokes on you mate cos your clone has avoided all of the childhood bullying you received and became really bloody hench. Serves you right. Apply bandages to stem the bleeding and keep pressure on the wound. Next!

YOU ARE THE GREEK HERO PARIS AND ELOPED WITH HELEN OF TROY CAUSING A MASSIVE WAR

Wait, you’re Paris? You got with Helen of Troy, the face that launched a thousand ships? Kudos! Absolutely no complaints here buddy, keep doing what you’re doing. Just watch out for that Achilles bloke, bit of a good swordsman I've heard.

BUT HELEN IS NOT AS HOT AS YOU THOUGHT SHE WOULD BE AND YOU REGRET IT

I am truly gutted but this one’s on you bud. You should have done your research and discovered that with regards to beauty the Greeks were fucking weeeird. You know the reason their statues have such tiny dicks is they thought young boys were the ultimate sex symbol? Did you know that? Fail to prepare, prepare to fail my friend. Also, maybe Helen of Troy is just a really nice person actually and you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, you know?
Anyway you’re gonna have to sort out this shitshow of a war you find yourself in. I have heard the Trojans are huge fans of suspiciously hollow equine gifts…

YOU ARE STUCK IN THE PRESENT DAY AND IT SUCKS

This is the fate that befalls us all. The daily struggle of mundane office jobs and working for the Man whilst thousands die each day in terrorist attacks. Britain leaves the European Union and Donald has nuclear codes. Bummer. There are some positives to be had, for example the significantly diminished number of T-Rexs compared to previous years, these gains are largely cancelled out by the constant presence of Ed Sheeran. If this is all too much I can only give the same advice I give everyone: suicide or lots and lots of drugs.

Hope this helped, and leave a comment with any of your frolics with the space-time continuum. Til next time friends, where I'll be dispensing advice on how to pretend to be a knight and win a jousting contest!